C.A.T. L.A.D.Y.

I entered my first cat photo contest. Yup. This cat lady thing is getting real. I didn’t win. But I did get posted to the website. http://moderncat.com/articles/best-buds/68086

It’s the same photo I use on this blog – but it’s one of my favorites of me and Stuart. CAT LADY!!!!!!!! I’m a little scared for what this means for me in the future, but, since I’m not dating until at least 2014, I guess I shouldn’t worry for at least another ten months.

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Being female is not often advantageous.

I’m going to be honest. I hate everything right now. EV. ‘RY. THING. 

Yup. PMS. It’s taking over my brain and turning me into an angry and sad and empathetic pile of mush. Everything makes me cry – whether I’m mad, sad, happy, or anxious. And tiny little comments make me seethe and steam. 

Don’t even get me started on pre-period reflections upon my own life. Oh, man. That’s a dangerous rabbit hole to fall down. 

I think it’s time to just turn off the brain, binge-watch Vampire Diaries on Netflix, and not talk to anyone for five more days.

Don’t wear sweat pants to the grocery store.

So…I usually don’t have to worry about running into people I know when I’m out shopping. Almost no one I know lives near me and I haven’t ever run into anyone that I really know. WELL, that changed today. So I went to the grocery store (not the closest one, but the better one) with my mom. I was so cold that I just didn’t want to change my clothes – so I went out in sweat pants, slippers, and a bulky windbreaker. My hair was kind of frizzy and I was wearing glasses.

I was almost done shopping, walking through the very last row, when I saw this cute guy who looked familiar. I immediately realized that I’d gone out with him a few times via Match.com. And it had ended weird and badly. And I looked, in the words of one of my best friends, GRUNGY!

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I was so flustered after I saw him, because it was such a bad ending (I’ll probably talk about it some day). He definitely looked right at me, too, but I just awkwardly looked away and walked faster, staring at the frozen foods in the cases, while my mom talked to me, oblivious to my trauma. I immediately had to text all my friends and share the horrible experience.

I’m also kind of a douche.

I’m also a douche. 

So I was on Facebook the other day. You know, for, like, the 18th time that day, and I came upon my high school bff in “friends you might know.” I haven’t talked to her since some time in college – we had a falling out. We lived on the same floor freshman year, but after what I’m about to tell you, we didn’t really ever get back into the swing of things. 

ANYWAY, I clicked on this girl’s page and low and behold, it looks like she’s now a lesbian. Maybe even a married lesbian. What? 

Before you freak, I have nothing against being gay. I am Christian and I love every one. (Except for those bitch ass boys who have rejected me. Haha.) (Ok, I don’t love everyone but I really do try.) Anywho, it’s surprising because last I knew, she was very straight. 

Now, here’s where the douche-baggery comes in. The reason we’re no longer friends.

So, in college, we sort of drifted apart. Being at a bigger school than high school, the variety of people to be friends with was so much deeper than our class of 17 in high school, and we naturally drifted apart. But she (ok, I’m going to call her Gina*) became bffs with my roommate. (My roommate is straight and has been married to a man for a few years, the same man she was dating all through college and even in high school.) My roommate and Gina spent tons of time together in our room. They spent a lot of time in bed together in our room. They spent a lot of time on top of each other in bed together in our room. Not in a sexual way, ever (at least that I ever saw), but in a way that was weird and uncomfortable for me and the rest of my hallmates. I spent a lot of time in other people’s rooms. And when people could come in looking for me, they always backed out awkwardly. 

Now, since I felt uncomfortable being in my own room, I did a lot of complaining. I’m kind of a loudmouth. A huge loudmouth. Especially when something bothers me. SO I went around to my friends, at track practice, in the dining hall, complaining about my roommate and former best friend’s weird level of comfort with each other. And I said, jokingly (but rudely) that they were lesbians. And I would always follow up with “Ok, not really. But it’s really weird and annoying.” I think it actually would have been way less awkward if they were actually lesbians. I think that was the weird part about it. Anyway, so one day I got locked into my room by Gina and my roommate and they yelled at me, saying that I was telling the whole school that they were lesbians. Some male friend of theirs said that I told him this – and I have never even spoken a word to the dude. About anything. But obviously they heard that I’d said something along the lesbian lines to someone. Which was kind of true. I mean, I was never actually calling them lesbians. I just didn’t know how to label what they were doing and I didn’t know why they were doing it. So much spooning….

Anyway, so big fight. Awkward. My roommate and I made up and were cordial the rest of college but Gina and I never really were friends again. We hung out in our hometown again, later in college, but it just felt so weird to me that I never did it again. 

Fast forward 5-7 years, and now it seems as though she is in a very serious relationship with a lady. First of all, we didn’t date in high school. She kind of dated one of our friends…I guess….but not really. I don’t think she really dated in the early years of college. So seeing that she was in a serious relationship (there was a picture of them holding hands with a date…so I’m guessing that it was a wedding date?) with ANYONE blew my mind. Then my mind pieces were blown even further when I saw that it was to a girl. And I called her a lesbian in college. Kinda douchey.

Especially if she was actually dealing with hiding this fact in an environment that was not gay-friendly (good old Lutheran education). So, I’m sorry. I know she’ll never read this and I’m sure I’ll never talk to her again unless I randomly bump into her. I don’t even know where she lives. 

But we both handled the situation back then poorly. And I have to put my foot in my mouth so often that I should just keep it there. But my mind is still reeling from this news. This girl was my best friend from ages 13-18ish.

*Gina is not her real name.

I’m a crazy person

Tomorrow it’s happening. In the afternoon I will be donning my swimsuit, standing in my mom’s room in front of her full-length mirror (my room has become too dirty again to take a picture using MY mirror – everyone would see the mess), and taking another picture. And I’m sad to say, due to the unemployment/not-having-a-car stress of the new year, there will be no difference. I think I initially lost some weight, got back into fitting into some of my pants…but all that is gone. My jeans are super tight again. I’m eating like a maniac. I think my period is also coming, which could mean bloating and the desire to eat and eat and eat – but still. Tight pants. No good. Body might look a smidge tighter, which is good, but not much improvement overall. 

But never fear! The year is still pretty new. We’re only one month in. I’d say I was good for half the month – which is a vast improvement on last year as a whole (the only working out I did was working in a zoo!). 

I’ve also been stressing over something that is probably nothing – but with my anxiety comes a bit of hypochondria. So, with a second trip to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully a large (and pointless) piece of my stress will be gone. The self-induced crazy stress is really getting on my nerves. I have to take sleeping pills most nights just so I can get SOME sleep (and so I don’t go running into my mom’s room in the middle of the night to talk about my hypochondriatic woes – so SHE can get some sleep), my eating has been all over the place. Sometimes I’m not hungry because I get so worried. Then sometimes I feel better so I eat like crazy – but all bad, comfort food. I’m just a hot mess. And I hope the doctor can look at me and say, “The only thing wrong here, hun, is that you’re crazy.” That I can deal with. I already know that much. So if my doctor thinks that’s all that’s going on, I’ll be cool. Here’s hoping.

So wish me luck. Luck at the doctor (though, if it is all in my mind, it’s going to be an embarrassing visit. I just went a couple weeks ago. Though, I’d rather it be embarrassing than have something actually be wrong.)