Gahhhhh!

There are too many ups and downs in my life for my liking!!! JUST STOP. Stop it. No. Don’t. Don’t. No more!

Gaaahhhhh. I can’t catch a break. I’m doing something very wrong and I still can’t figure out what it is. I think it’s having feelings. And caring about things. I need to just stop caring. Then everything will be even keeled. Boom. Solutions. See what happens when you talk out your problems?

So last week I got stood up (aka he just didn’t text me even though we were supposed to hang out and I haven’t heard from him since the day before we were supposed to hang out) by a sexy male friend. (Obviously, not a friend anymore.) 

Something amazing happened at work. Then about 24 hours later that something amazing was taken away again. So I was on a super high for those 24 hours and I’ve been on a super low (angry and hating everything) since then (then being Saturday evening). I’m so upset that I bailed on going tubing on a river with a lady friend of mine. I LOVE water. I love tubing. But I want nothing to do with any of it because I’m so upset. Being stood up last week sure doesn’t help either. 

I’m definitely hitting a sad patch. Feeling like my friends are all out of reach – I have no go-to person to talk everything out to so I just text random people with random bits of my problems and never feel satisfied that someone heard me and cares. My position at work leaves me wanting more. More responsibility, more projects, more substance. I’m trying to fill the voids with everything I can think of. I missed over a week at the gym because of my second job and having my period last week. I became so inactive. All I wanted to do was rip out my uterus and eat junk food. I had no energy and no drive. Now it’s going to be hard to make myself workout because I’m so sad/mad. I wish I could just take out parts of my brain temporarily so I could get on with life. My brain gets in the way of everything. Stupid feelings. I don’t like them. 

However, today I bought THREE Jillian Michaels workout DVDs. She’s my fave celeb trainer. I also bought 10 lb. weights. And new, super light and airy athletic shorts (which can also double as shorts for work – very nice for those hot days). I bought a new, easier to use water bottle because I’ve been lacking in my water consumption. 

Ok, to occupy my brain and to try to stave off sadness galore, here are some goals for the rest of the month for me to obsess over: 

1. DRINK WATER.

2. DON’T DRINK SODA.

3. Workout 5-6 days a week.

4. Go to church on Sunday mornings.

5. Read before bed every night – no watching TV on the computer.

6. Write in a journal instead of texting my problems to people who don’t really care. 

7. Bring the fast food eating down to one day a week. Preferably one meal a week. 

8. Don’t think about work so much. Explore my neglected hobbies again (there are MANY). 

9. GET OVER IT.

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4 thoughts on “Gahhhhh!

  1. Firstly, I think that you’re trying to take on waaaay too much. We all have a thousand things that we’d like to change about ourselves and our lifestyle, but the problem is, we make a list of these myriad of things, and then beat ourselves up when we can’t follow it. It seems like that’s what you’re doing here. You listed 9 HUGE things here. There’s no way that anyone can keep these commitments 100% for a month. Why not just pick 1 of things things and really, really commit to it? I suspect that if you do that, other things will slowly fall into place as well.

    Secondly, if I’ve decided to go a year without dating, you should stick to that. But, you should remember that this is not an end in and of itself. You should take this year to focus on YOU. What are those things that truly bring joy to your life? How can you share that joy with others? It’s not so much a self-help approach as it is seeking fulfilment.

    And I’ll let you in on a secret. If you are confident in those things that bring you joy, if you spend your time doing those things, living YOUR life to the fullest, and if you have a firm sense of your own identity – a guy will come along who finds that completely irresistible. It’s not about changing yourself to fit what you think guys will want. Be yourself, fully yourself – and the kind of guy that you actually want to be with will come into your life. And it will be at a time when you aren’t looking for it – because you’ll be focusing on what truly brings you joy and not whether or not some douche will text you back.

    Whenever this guy come along, you’ll make each other very happy. But for now, focus on YOU. But at the same time, don’t burden yourself with unreasonable expectations. Pick only 1 or 2 things and really commit to it. Keep your head up – you’ve got a lot going for you, whether you see it or not.

  2. I hear what you’re saying. And I have either thought those things or been told those things by someone. It’s just so hard for me to actually DO. I’m not sure why. Part of it because when I get down, my body also shuts down. So I think to rev it up, I should change everything at once. I don’t know. I’m a little lost, if you couldn’t tell by this entire blog.

  3. If you’ve been told these things by others, then there’s probably some truth to them. Especially if they are coming from people who care about you, and who you trust.

    These things wouldn’t be so hard to DO, if you just stuck to ONE things, and not an entire, unreasonable list.

    Yes, you are a little lost. Don’t try to change the world overnight, because you will fail. Pick one thing. Let that ONE thing be geared directly towards whatever it is that brings you joy. For example, maybe you think that working out is a priority. But does it bring you joy? If not, then you should focus on on something else at the beginning. Like I said don’t take the world on all at once.

    So, long story short – I expect a blog post in the near future about the ONE thing that you’ve decided to do that really brings you joy! And then a week later, I’d like to see another post about how faithfully you’ve kept to that ONE thing.

    I think you’ll be surprised by the results if you stick to that.

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