“You don’t think you’re good enough…”

Oh, you guys. I am the WORST. Apparently getting a job means I now just wake up, go to work, work out (yay!), go home, shower, pass out. So, let me update you. I actually have a funny story.

Ok, so one of my new work friends met this super hottie on POF (Plenty of Fish) so, even though I GAVE UP DATING, I decided to sign up and just troll the faces. Bad move. Of course. But you already knew that. As did I. As. Did. I.

This guy, who I will call Sonny, and I started talking. He wanted a good Christian girl (which I consider myself to be – but maybe I should reevaluate that) and we had great messaging and text conversations for a few days. He kept me occupied while I dealt with the flu and missed two and a half days of work.

Toward the end of my illness, we decided to meet up. After I got off work around 11pm (my second, part-time job), I drove out to meet him. He was at a little dive bar with some friends and friends of his friends. Let’s just say that made it crazy awkward. This was our first meeting and we hardly talked at all because of the strangers sitting with us. But it wasn’t awkward in a bad way, so I figured I would give it another shot. We decided to watch a movie at his apartment the next day.

He offered to come pick me up, but he lives so far away that that would have been a ridiculous round trip. I hate to inconvenience people. So we watched “Gravity.” It was the first time for both of us. We didn’t talk much during the movie, except about the movie, because it was so intense. But we talked a bunch after. I thought the openess and flow of conversation was really good…but it turns out that everything I said just made him lose interest in me.

He suggested grabbing dinner, which again I thought was good, so we ran out to Pei Wei. (Our whole hang out was super casual. I was still semi-sick and wearing sweatpants.) On the way there, we continued talking and it became apparent that he was not into me. I said something about how I wasn’t sure why boys have never wanted to actually be my boyfriend and he said that he had some of his own reasons. He mentioned not having time and that I lived far from him. Let’s just say that my mood sank pretty fast.

We finished eating and drove back to his apartment where I promptly got my things and left.

For SOME reason, we continued texting the next few days. And of course the subject of why he wasn’t interested in me came up. He has a million reasons he’s not into me. And that sucked. A lot. But it’s totally my fault. I gave up dating for this year and I haven’t done it! I still hang on to guys I’ve gone out with in the past, hoping that maybe someday they won’t just want to kiss me but they’ll want to date me (even though they didn’t want to date me in the past….). I joined Match.com AND POF in the same WEEK! What is WRONG with me?!

Let’s just say this is a mid-year reminder of why I’m not dating. Or shouldn’t be dating. So much time and energy is lost to thinking about and worrying about boys. Such a waste of life.

Oh, so the funny story. So, while I was having dinner with Sonny, and as the evening was taking it’s sad turn, one of my friends texted me about hitting up some bars with her and her friends. So, to drown out the sound of yet another rejection, I agreed. I met them at the second and final bar for some drinks.

It was tons of fun. But there was a guy who kept lingering with us all night. When my friend would go out to smoke, he would come sit at the table. Every time. He was a former college football player for A&M or some Texas college. I don’t even remember. Huge guy. He even told us that he and his friends (though he changed his story to just his friends as he saw our negative reactions) stole a monkey years ago from the place that me and my friend now work at! That alone was enough for us to be done with him. But he kept at it all night.

The kicker was later in the evening, I was sitting at a table inside waiting for my friend because I was tired of killing my lungs (which were already having some issues due to my recent bout of the flu and the horrible pollen counts we’d been having) outside while she smoked. I was playing with my phone, not feeling outcast or anything. Just waiting. And that guy comes up. He sits down and tells me that he’s been trying to get to me all night. (Lie.) So I said something about my hot, tall, blonde friend. And he says that he thinks that I don’t think I’m as good as my friends because I have MOLES! HA! What’s even better is that I felt like I looked good that night. I’d lost a little weight from the flu, haha, and I was wearing real clothes for the first time in about three or four days.

I just let him elaborate. But what I got out of his spiel was that he thought that he could probably take me home or something because I had low self-esteem. What a pick-up line. Obviously it didn’t work even a little. I did give him my number because I’m too stupid to ever say no or to figure out a way to get out of it. Sheesh. And he texted me once that night and once the next day. So, unfortunately I positively reinforced his sad pick-up attempt. But maybe it’ll give another girl a fun story to share with her friends.

Don’t wear sweat pants to the grocery store.

So…I usually don’t have to worry about running into people I know when I’m out shopping. Almost no one I know lives near me and I haven’t ever run into anyone that I really know. WELL, that changed today. So I went to the grocery store (not the closest one, but the better one) with my mom. I was so cold that I just didn’t want to change my clothes – so I went out in sweat pants, slippers, and a bulky windbreaker. My hair was kind of frizzy and I was wearing glasses.

I was almost done shopping, walking through the very last row, when I saw this cute guy who looked familiar. I immediately realized that I’d gone out with him a few times via Match.com. And it had ended weird and badly. And I looked, in the words of one of my best friends, GRUNGY!

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I was so flustered after I saw him, because it was such a bad ending (I’ll probably talk about it some day). He definitely looked right at me, too, but I just awkwardly looked away and walked faster, staring at the frozen foods in the cases, while my mom talked to me, oblivious to my trauma. I immediately had to text all my friends and share the horrible experience.

Catching Up

What is up, my homies?

So many good things are happening! Ok, so I’ve had some ups and downs the past couple of weeks. I made out TWICE with the boy who most recently rejected me. ONE DAY after the last time I made out with him, Jeremy, Corbin called me up to hang out and I got drunk and made out with HIM! And then I wanted him, bad. He’s the closest I have ever come to having someone like me back and want to date me. And he’s so sexy. (TALL. Cute butt in dem jeans.) So I was pining away after Corbin, allowing me to get over Jeremy…then I got over Corbin. SO, I’m currently on track! I have not been on a date this year. I have kissed two boys who I have previously gone out with. I had some minor pining over each of them – but I am good and moving on! BOOM!

Then my mother and my brother helped me go through my one-bedroom-apartment’s worth of stuff in the garage (since it weirdly won’t fit into the single bedroom that I currently call my own) and I got rid of so much shizz! I still have a few boxes to go through, including my room, but I am on a ROLE. When things have been stashed away in boxes for five years (and in another state for three), it’s really easy to disassociate feelings with things and just get rid of it all. It was fun to rifle through some things from my first post-college job. (My first real job – out of the only two I’ve had.) I found lots of pretty doodles I’d done during meetings, lots of hilarious quotes from coworkers that I’d written down, cute little notes from coworkers and the like. I found sweet gems I’d forgotten I had. And it made me super excited to FREAKIN’ GET MY OWN PLACE so’s I can put up all my framed pictures, art, etc! My place is going to be so fun looking. So ME. Though, how could it look any other way. Decluttering isn’t just good for your home/storage space, it’s good for the soul. I feel like I’ve sloughed off some layers of dead skin. 

Last week I spent a day with one of my best friends, Sam. We went shopping (I bought nothing because I’m unemployed), we watched a little Grey’s Anatomy, we did some Zumba (with the perkiest male Zumba instructor ever – a first for me), and then we PAINTED! I hadn’t painted (anything besides walls – personal walls and work walls) since I lived in Nebraska (read: nearly five years ago) but it was a great experience. I painted flamingos (of course). One of them came out kind of derpy, the first one I painted, but the other one looked nice. I found a photograph online of some flams and just copied that. Image

My favorite part is the shadows. Now, I know this is very elementary, so no judging. It was painted just for fun. 🙂

I’m working out! I did a bunch of lifting with my “little” bro yesterday. My 10 pound weights looked ridiculously small next to the 85 pounders he was using, but since he’s my bro, I didn’t feel even a little intimidated. And since I was in the gym working out with such a beast, the gym itself didn’t intimidate me. Ever since my two Zumba classes, I already feel less intimidated by my gym. I also know my gym is a really good one, after doing Zumba at my friend’s (more expensive) gym. Mine is way better. (Both are Gold’s but her’s is a former-Spectrum/Ruby Level. Mine is just Gold Level.) So I plan on using my brother as a free trainer. He’s very motivating. No bullshit. When I whine about how heavy the weight is or that I want to stop, he just yells at me. Because he can. And I listen, while continuing to whine, because I can. 

Ok, related to the working out- I got weighed this morning at the doctor’s office, pre-eating, and it was high, my friends. I knew I’d gained a bunch of weight since I needed bigger pants, but putting a number on it just was a real slap to the face. My average weight, when being active and/or working an active, full-time job, is between 135 and 140. I’m very used to 135 being my goal weight to stay at. 137 at the most. Well, over the past couple of weeks, thanks to working out, better diet, and loss of appetite due to illness, I have lost a few pounds. When I was weighed this morning, I was 146. That means I was at LEAST 150 at my heaviest. Maybe more. People. I have never weighed 150. EVER. I really let myself go. I started this blog and renewed my workout initiative JUST. IN. TIME. Almost twenty pounds?! That’s like a pregnant lady. I did not have a child. This is inexcusable. And I know all that weight was bad. It was not muscle. I was getting weaker by the minute. It was all flab. All fast food. All crap. Dang, son. Dang. 

Tonight I’m finally going to Camp Gladiator. My other best friend got me a month of Camp Gladiator for Christmas, and it’s only good for January. Well, the first week I was able to go, I got sick. Stuck-in-bed sick. Last week I didn’t have car access very much. I’m still sharing with my family, so I use it whenever I can. But it’s rare. This week I have car access so I finally get to go! But that means I only got to use 2 out of 4 weeks of my gift. BOOOO. It was out of our control – neither of us saw my loss of car/illness coming, but still. It’s annoying. I don’t want to waste such an excellent gift. 

Yesterday evening I went to a birthday party for a two-year old. I wouldn’t have missed it because I love this kid and his family. And I don’t actually feel awkward being the only single/child-less attendee, but I always wonder what the other adults (who all come with a spouse and at least one child) are thinking. Of course, when they find out that the kids’ mom and I went to college and have known each other for almost a decade (I just realized today that it really has been that long. I met Lauren my freshman year, which started in 2005), they’re like, “Ohhh, ok. I thought maybe you were a neighbor.” Because, how else could I know Lauren if I don’t have children? How could we have ever met? What in the world do we have in common? Lots, dang it! We ran track together, we’re both Lutheran. Whatever. I do have fun at these kids’ parties, though. I mean, I love the kiddos and the adults that come are very fun, too. But I definitely stick out without a husband by my side and a kid on my hip. Suck it. Children love me.

I’ve been procrastinating on my Ornithology reading. The feathers chapter is daunting because I remember how hard it was for me to read two years ago – even though what I’ve read so far isn’t intimidating – and my mom has a three-day weekend so she keeps dragging me around to do things. Plus I’ve just been lazy. No excuses! 

Well, tonight is a busy one. I’m walking/feeding dogs for my part-time boss, hopefully doing Camp Gladiator with a best friend, and then my social volleyball team has a game at nearly 10 pm. Woop! Unemployed but still busy! Love it.

Endearingly Homo

One time I was hanging out at Steve’s apartment and, as we were parting ways, I slipped on a fake mustache. I have no clue where I got it from or why I had it, but I thought it would be funny to say goodbye wearing it. 

Well, Steve kissed me goodbye despite the ‘stache, which I thought was a very cute thing to do. Later, we were texting while I was hanging out with some girl friends, and I jokingly called him “homo” for kissing me while wearing a mustache. I didn’t mean anything by it, I had actually thought it was super cute when he did it. I was just joking around.

Well, let me tell you what. Steve got pissed. I’m not a politically correct person – I try. Sort of. But obviously I fail. Steve was always getting offended by things I said. And almost none of them were even directed at him – except this time. Apparently I’m a horribly offensive person. Steve will tell you, for sure. 

So, Steve was pissed at me. And I had no clue what to do because I thought it was just playful banter, on my end. We text-fought (which is the worst kind because you can never tell tone via texting) and he said how dare I make jokes about his sexuality when I have none of my own (read: you’re a virgin so don’t call me homo). At that time, that was the meanest thing anyone had ever said to me. (Steve was the one to say more mean things to me in the future- he was a little verbally abusive.) Steve fights dirty. I know that I did really dumb things when we were seeing each other – he was the first guy I ever “went out with,” he was the first guy I ever kissed. I was learning everything with him. I made a lot of mistakes. But they were missteps. Nothing was intentional. His mean words were always very deliberate and he used your insecurities and things you didn’t like about yourself to really hurt you. I should say “me.” He seemed to have a very successful relationship with a coworker of ours after we parted ways for good. 

Anyway, either as a make-up gesture for this particular fight, or another one (we fought ALL. THE. TIME.) I dropped off a bouquet of Blow Pops on his doorstep with a note saying (again in good fun) “Sorry these aren’t blow jobs.” And I pissed him off again! Because I joked about sex! Which I wasn’t having with him! (And he was also never my boyfriend, so why should I sleep with him? Hello!)

Man, I’d forgotten just how messed up that experience was. No wonder I can’t seem to have a functional relationship with a guy. Haha. I learned some crappy dating lessons from Steve. Like “don’t be yourself.” And “never joke about anything.” Steve was the worst.

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Good times.

Confession Time

I broke one of my rules last night. I kissed someone. Someone I like. We’ll call this one *Jeremy. He’s a guy who doesn’t want to date because he’s looking into some new career options that would take him away. Not sure if that’s REALLY why he won’t date ME – but when it comes to guys I go out with, it’s hard to say. Haha. Since my “I don’t want to date you” column is 100% bigger than my “I want to date you” column, that leads me to deduce that it has to be something about me.

But, that’s what this blog is all about! Making myself the best version of myself that I can!!! Then I’ll know for sure that it’s not me when someone doesn’t want to date me – because I’ll be way too awesome.

I have been faithful to my 31 day workout routine – today was day 3. For my 40 minutes of cardio, I went back to my Zumba days. I get unlimited classes with my gym membership…which I’ve had for a while now…and today was the first class I went to. I love it! I’m CRAZY out of shape – like halfway through the class I actually looked at the clock to see if we were done yet, haha – but I know I’ll get into shape and I’ll love it. I even made a little friend. I mean LITTLE. She’s like half my height. Super nice. Her name is Star. Or Starr. Not sure. But it’s a cute name. It’ll be fun to have a workout friend. OH MY GOSH. I just realized there is a Beatles reference here. I really hope her name is spelled Starr. Just for my own giggles.

Now here is a random picture of Stuart for your troubles.

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Now here’s a picture of BABY STUART!

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*Again, Jeremy has a different name in real life.

 

That time I made a great first impression.

The Summer of 2013

Oh, Corbin*. He was my favorite so far. He was very tall (6′ 6″). Good-looking. Older. He owned his own house. He had a great career. He made great money. He seemed to just have his things in order. Well, let me tell you about our first date.

We met on Match.com. He contacted me first, through email. We went to some restaurant near where we both live (we only live about 10 minutes away from each other). The restaurant wasn’t very full. It was kind of a half-a$$ed attempt at a sports bar and grill. I got a huge BBQ burger. Corbin said he was interested to see me devour the huge, messy burger.

Then there was our waitress. Poor girl. She was not very good. And I, being the super nice person that I am, made a snide comment or two to Corbin about her service (and I thought I was being sneaky and quiet). Well, she MUST have heard me be SUPER rude because her manager came over to first ask us how we thought she was doing, and then explain that today was her first day waiting tables and that she was very nervous. He asked for some critique that he could give her. Oh, man. First date. I insult the poor, young waitress. She hears. Her manager talks to us. They probably spit on my burger that night. I felt terrible.

Surprisingly, Corbin wanted to go out with me again the next night. And I agreed – even though my initial impression of him was that he was a little pretentious (and I don’t like when guys wear necklaces – he sometimes wears one).

 

*Again, Corbin’s name isn’t really Corbin.

I’ve given up dating in 2014

Yep. You read correctly. I’m not going on a single date in 2014. I know, it either sounds crazy or like it’s not a big deal. A few years ago, it wouldn’t have been a big deal if I went years without going on a date – because there were many years when I had no dates. But, 2013 proved to be such a rough year for me in the dating realm, that I decided to give it up for a year.

I’m mostly starting this blog to try to hold me accountable. Dates seem so innocent. I mean, hey. There’s a cute guy. He wants to go out with you. What’s one date, right? WRONG. One date leads to a couple dates which leads to me liking him which leads to him disliking me which leads to me sitting in my car crying because I just got told I’m being rejected AGAIN. So no more!

I’m a terrible dater. I’ve given it the ol’ college try. I’ve gone out again and again, hoping to improve my lacking skills. But it hasn’t worked. If anything it’s probably gotten worse. So let’s just take a sabbatical from dating.

Here are the things I’m going to focus on this year instead of boys:

  1. Writing. All writing. My screenplay, this blog, maybe my journal, poetry, my book idea, etc.
  2. Career. I have yet to really focus on a career become a great employee. This is not because of boys – hopefully. But being distracted by breakups sure doesn’t help.
  3. Art. I used to paint and do art the year after college. I think it was mostly because my job took a lot of my brain power and I needed a way to decompress after work – and my old standby, writing, took too much brain power. So I started painting. I’d like to get back into that. And other crafts. Maybe crochet again. Maybe I’ll tackle more Pinterest crafts and post the disasters here for you to see.
  4. Cooking. I also used to cook a lot. It started when I was a kid and kind of fizzled shortly after college (when “real life” and the job took over). I used to cook, bake. All that. I want to do more. Partly to be healthy and lose weight and partly just to make myself a well-rounded person.
  5. Exercise. I have become soft and lazy. I used to work out all the time. I used to have a job that kept me in shape so I didn’t have to work out. Now I have to actually try. That old metabolism is slowing down as we speak.
  6. Faith. During the past few years I have really fallen away from regular worship and prayer. I think it was another lazy thing or maybe it was a doubt thing…I’m not sure. But I want to do better.

Well, that’s all I can think of for now. But I plan on documenting my daily adventures right here. That way anyone can follow what becomes of my life away from dating. I have just over one year to become the best person I can be! (Ok, I really have more time than that, but this will being the best me without any influence from boys.)

So this technically happened right before my decision not to date, but I’m going to include it in my plan. I made a Facebook page for one of my cats. Yes, my friends have made fun of me already. I know. It’s weird/dumb/crazy. But I’m doing it. And I will enjoy it. Follow him at http://www.facebook.com/stuarttheextra. His eyes are crossed and he’s going to start wearing bow ties.

Welcome to my adventure!