The Before

Here is a reminder of what my body looked like at the beginning of this year.

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Here is what it currently looks like.

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So it’s slightly better. But I hope to just get lean and toned with my new workout program. I start with my workout buddy on Friday and I’m so excited!! The workouts look like hard work. But fun. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

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Big stress = little waist

So my whole bettering myself plan hasn’t really happened this year. I’m easily distracted by things like work and tiredness, stress and sleep. Work is stressing me out to the max and instead of turning to exercise for relief, I turn to sleeping pills and fast food. I’ve lost weight, which is really nice as far as fitting into my old clothes goes, but it hasn’t been a healthy weight loss. It’s a stress weight loss, which for me, means not eating as much as I should be. And not eating the right things. So I’m slimmer but not any healthier. I’m very happy to be slim, but I want to use this bad weight loss as a jumping point for a new workout program.

I stumbled upon something on Instagram a few weeks ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. There’s a trainer in Australia named Kayla Itsines and she regularly posts result pictures that girls using her program post and tag her in. And they look EXACTLY like how I want to look! And many of them actually start out looking the way I already look – slim, but a flabby kind of slim. Then they lose fat and develop muscles and lean tone. Which is EXACTLY what I want! So, I finally bought the program today. I bought the eating guide, as well, because my diet is abysmal. I eat fast food for pretty much every meal. I’m a 500 lb. person in a skinny body (and my only saving grace is my major calorie-burning, labor-intensive job, plus some stress).

So, while I’m loving my bikini body this summer (thank goodness!), I know that I’m very unhealthy and I would like to change that. As you know. I’ve been trying FOREVER. I’m hoping this guide will be the change I need. I’m very low on energy (which is another thing that makes working out hard) and very high on stress so I need a huge change.

And, for those of you who told me that I should focus on ONE thing, this is my one thing. Another nice thing about stress, besides weight loss, is how it causes me to lose the ability to focus on many things at once. My brain sort of shuts down and I can’t think about much besides what’s stressing me out. So this one thing is what I will be focusing on. Thankfully, because of the guides, I will hopefully not have to think much. I will just have to DO. But doing is the hardest part.

By the way, this week, or just prior to starting this new program, I will post a current “before” picture. It will be better than my last one, and hopefully I will have more frequent updates to post! The people I see using this program have AMAZING after pictures just half way through the program. I hope to be one of them.

Redirecting My Focus and Drive

So, a few weeks ago, I was SO into work. I was making project lists and all sorts of plans because my boss had told me that I was going to be able to implement them shortly. And, as you know, that did not pan out. So after a couple weeks of being super sad and angry I finally got over it. How? By just not thinking about any of it. They want me to relieve people. So that is what I will do. No more crazy aspirations or dreams. I will just do my best the one to two days that I’m in each section, and leave it at that. 

My goal is a great workout regimen. I printed out some awesome weight lifting record sheets for me and my workout buddy so we can actually track our progress and, most importantly, freaking remember how much weight we’re using for each move!! Every time we lift, when we start a new week (and repeat the moves from last week), we can never remember how much we used the week before. Which means that we’re not necessarily improving. But no more! 

I’m also going to study our gym schedule and make a workout routine based on the classes available so that we do three cardio workouts a week and then we can throw in three days of lifting any time – since we don’t need a class to lift. 

The hardest part, ALWAYS, is diet. I’m SO lazy when it comes to making food. I think it’s because when I get off work every day, I’m dead tired. I just want to put food in my mouth as quickly as possible, shower, and pass out. Which means that I have NO energy or any care to make a great, healthy meal. I just feel like I will die NOW if I don’t get FOOD NOW. So that’s my big goal right now: change my diet for good. Forever. Become the eater I have always wanted to be. My weight wouldn’t be an issue AT ALL if I could just eat the things I should. 

I’m still distracted by work – I work multiple areas a week, which means I work with a huge variety of species, and I want to research ALL of them all the time! And that takes time and brain power. So I find myself torn between reading primate books and researching healthy and easy meals. I know it’s possible to do both. I’m just one of those people who obsesses over something and not much else can get through my brain when I’m in that mode. 

But I can do it!! I can be awesome. I can lose weight. I have already cut down on my work worries by probably 75%+. And, boy, does it feel good.

Work plans busted – new plan!

I don’t have time for a full post right now, but I just wanted to share this quickly. After a week of being upset and angry, I have finally mellowed out, which has allowed me to be level-headed enough to come up with a new plan. Instead of thinking so much about work, where I have no control, I decided to focus on something that I have almost complete control over (or at least a majority of the control): my exercise and diet plans. I started out with really good ones when I started this blog, and then got interrupted by some medical worries and a new job. So now I’m going to throw myself into that again. If I stick with it, there will be great results with a healthier body and mind. I would still like to fit into some of my clothes from last summer – even though I have been buying new clothes since literally nothing I owned before fits right now. And I would really like the majority of what goes INTO my body to be healthy and helpful – not trash. 

So, new obsession: GET FIT AND HEALTHY!

How have I already started? I have made a weight lifting record sheet for my lifting partner and myself. My mom got us hand little pronged folders to keep them in so we can make notes as we workout. My plan this weekend, if I have any time (I have a 24 hour babysitting gig starting soon), is to make a cardio AND lifting plan for at least the next month. It’ll be hard to squeeze in all the workouts I want/need because I work two jobs, but I think I can do it with the right amount of planning. Plus, if this will keep my brain healthy and preoccupied, it will be better for everyone. Plus, just changing my diet (aka not eating fast food every day) will make a HUGE impact just by itself. I think the working out will just be a bonus. (I am one of those lucky people with a fairly quick metabolism – yet I find it so hard to purposefully lose weight.)

So I’m feeling pretty positive and excited for the months to come. Now that my brain is freed up, I can focus on this new plan and make it awesome. Having my workout/accountability partner, Brooke, will make it that much better. 

Wish me luck!

Gahhhhh!

There are too many ups and downs in my life for my liking!!! JUST STOP. Stop it. No. Don’t. Don’t. No more!

Gaaahhhhh. I can’t catch a break. I’m doing something very wrong and I still can’t figure out what it is. I think it’s having feelings. And caring about things. I need to just stop caring. Then everything will be even keeled. Boom. Solutions. See what happens when you talk out your problems?

So last week I got stood up (aka he just didn’t text me even though we were supposed to hang out and I haven’t heard from him since the day before we were supposed to hang out) by a sexy male friend. (Obviously, not a friend anymore.) 

Something amazing happened at work. Then about 24 hours later that something amazing was taken away again. So I was on a super high for those 24 hours and I’ve been on a super low (angry and hating everything) since then (then being Saturday evening). I’m so upset that I bailed on going tubing on a river with a lady friend of mine. I LOVE water. I love tubing. But I want nothing to do with any of it because I’m so upset. Being stood up last week sure doesn’t help either. 

I’m definitely hitting a sad patch. Feeling like my friends are all out of reach – I have no go-to person to talk everything out to so I just text random people with random bits of my problems and never feel satisfied that someone heard me and cares. My position at work leaves me wanting more. More responsibility, more projects, more substance. I’m trying to fill the voids with everything I can think of. I missed over a week at the gym because of my second job and having my period last week. I became so inactive. All I wanted to do was rip out my uterus and eat junk food. I had no energy and no drive. Now it’s going to be hard to make myself workout because I’m so sad/mad. I wish I could just take out parts of my brain temporarily so I could get on with life. My brain gets in the way of everything. Stupid feelings. I don’t like them. 

However, today I bought THREE Jillian Michaels workout DVDs. She’s my fave celeb trainer. I also bought 10 lb. weights. And new, super light and airy athletic shorts (which can also double as shorts for work – very nice for those hot days). I bought a new, easier to use water bottle because I’ve been lacking in my water consumption. 

Ok, to occupy my brain and to try to stave off sadness galore, here are some goals for the rest of the month for me to obsess over: 

1. DRINK WATER.

2. DON’T DRINK SODA.

3. Workout 5-6 days a week.

4. Go to church on Sunday mornings.

5. Read before bed every night – no watching TV on the computer.

6. Write in a journal instead of texting my problems to people who don’t really care. 

7. Bring the fast food eating down to one day a week. Preferably one meal a week. 

8. Don’t think about work so much. Explore my neglected hobbies again (there are MANY). 

9. GET OVER IT.

So bad at things….

I am the worst at things. 

Seriously. Everyone else I know can do everything and anything. They make money, they get boyfriends/girlfriends, they workout regularly, they don’t eat fast food every night, they’re not always telling themselves they have a crazy disease.

How did I end up with the short end of the stick? 

I think I think too much. Or I think about the wrong stuff. On top of that, I have this little problem. If it’s not perfect, I want to give up. No room for mistakes, missteps, or shortcomings. If it wasn’t perfect, it’s not worth even trying anymore. 

That’s dumb. I know. But it’s really hard to overcome. Accepting “good enough” or “okay” is SO hard. Especially in today’s culture. Everyone seems perfect in magazines, on social media, everywhere. Everyone is bragging about their lives, or the great things their kids are accomplishing, or the cool things they can afford to buy. 

I get it. It’s all a facade. Not everyone’s life is perfect all the time. Pretty much no one has a perfect life. I just feel like I shouldn’t get stuck the way I do. I am educated. I am fairly intelligent. I’m social and get along with people. I can flirt with the best of them. 

Yet, here I am. Failing at this blog. Eating too much fast food. Not losing any weight (probably gaining more). Not working out regularly. Basically, I’m not achieving any of my goals. And I feel like I have given up. I’ve let myself go. Because I failed this year, I’ll just have to wait for a new beginning. 

But that is BULL PUCKY! I can start now! I can workout. I can stop eating horrible food. I can continue this blog. I’m going to be that little engine that could. The only person getting in my way is myself. There is not another single person who is stopping me. In fact, I have more people wishing me well and willing to do things like workout with me. 

Guys, I’m so tired and lazy. After I get off work (YAY FOR EMPLOYMENT!!!!), I’m starving. Which makes it VERY hard to make it home without stopping at one of the hundreds of fast food joints along the way. So then I eat a huge pile of crap. So then I feel like crap and I’m full and working out will have to wait until some of this food leaves my stomach. Oh, but then I get too tired waiting for that time to come. So then I give up. 

Bad Alicia! Bad. 

My favorite class at the gym right now is called BodyAttack. It’s so fun! It’s full of movement, music, shortness of breath, running, jumping. I feel so great after each class. Unfortunately there is only one that I can attend during the whole week! So I need to find something equally as appealing the other days. And I still need to get into a weight lifting routine. Why is that so hard to do? I guess I just want someone to tell me what to do and how much weight to do it with. Oh, wait. There’s a class for that, too. They don’t quite tell you how much weight to use, they make suggestions, but they do tell you how to lift it. So, I guess I’m out of excuses….

I’m a crazy person

Tomorrow it’s happening. In the afternoon I will be donning my swimsuit, standing in my mom’s room in front of her full-length mirror (my room has become too dirty again to take a picture using MY mirror – everyone would see the mess), and taking another picture. And I’m sad to say, due to the unemployment/not-having-a-car stress of the new year, there will be no difference. I think I initially lost some weight, got back into fitting into some of my pants…but all that is gone. My jeans are super tight again. I’m eating like a maniac. I think my period is also coming, which could mean bloating and the desire to eat and eat and eat – but still. Tight pants. No good. Body might look a smidge tighter, which is good, but not much improvement overall. 

But never fear! The year is still pretty new. We’re only one month in. I’d say I was good for half the month – which is a vast improvement on last year as a whole (the only working out I did was working in a zoo!). 

I’ve also been stressing over something that is probably nothing – but with my anxiety comes a bit of hypochondria. So, with a second trip to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully a large (and pointless) piece of my stress will be gone. The self-induced crazy stress is really getting on my nerves. I have to take sleeping pills most nights just so I can get SOME sleep (and so I don’t go running into my mom’s room in the middle of the night to talk about my hypochondriatic woes – so SHE can get some sleep), my eating has been all over the place. Sometimes I’m not hungry because I get so worried. Then sometimes I feel better so I eat like crazy – but all bad, comfort food. I’m just a hot mess. And I hope the doctor can look at me and say, “The only thing wrong here, hun, is that you’re crazy.” That I can deal with. I already know that much. So if my doctor thinks that’s all that’s going on, I’ll be cool. Here’s hoping.

So wish me luck. Luck at the doctor (though, if it is all in my mind, it’s going to be an embarrassing visit. I just went a couple weeks ago. Though, I’d rather it be embarrassing than have something actually be wrong.)