Ouch.

The workouts are going really well! I’m in the middle of week 2/12. A couple days ago I ran THREE MILES on the treadmill, which I haven’t done for years! And I wasn’t even tired! Just my legs were sore. 

I do have a little set back – I think I pulled an abdominal muscle at the beginning of today’s workout. I tried to push through but I think I just made it worse. And I think it happened because we didn’t warm up. Bad exercisers! I hope it feels better by Monday because I have a full body resistance circuit that I need to do. I should run tomorrow before my other job (a twelve hour day!) but I’m not sure I’ll make it to the gym before work. Especially with this ache in my abdomen. 

Man, I just watched an adorable movie about writers. It made me wish that I was a writer. I should just write in all my spare time. To be a writer, that would be great. I’m sure there are negatives to that line of work, just as there are negatives in all jobs. I just wish there were fewer negatives out there. 

The Before

Here is a reminder of what my body looked like at the beginning of this year.

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Here is what it currently looks like.

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So it’s slightly better. But I hope to just get lean and toned with my new workout program. I start with my workout buddy on Friday and I’m so excited!! The workouts look like hard work. But fun. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Big stress = little waist

So my whole bettering myself plan hasn’t really happened this year. I’m easily distracted by things like work and tiredness, stress and sleep. Work is stressing me out to the max and instead of turning to exercise for relief, I turn to sleeping pills and fast food. I’ve lost weight, which is really nice as far as fitting into my old clothes goes, but it hasn’t been a healthy weight loss. It’s a stress weight loss, which for me, means not eating as much as I should be. And not eating the right things. So I’m slimmer but not any healthier. I’m very happy to be slim, but I want to use this bad weight loss as a jumping point for a new workout program.

I stumbled upon something on Instagram a few weeks ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. There’s a trainer in Australia named Kayla Itsines and she regularly posts result pictures that girls using her program post and tag her in. And they look EXACTLY like how I want to look! And many of them actually start out looking the way I already look – slim, but a flabby kind of slim. Then they lose fat and develop muscles and lean tone. Which is EXACTLY what I want! So, I finally bought the program today. I bought the eating guide, as well, because my diet is abysmal. I eat fast food for pretty much every meal. I’m a 500 lb. person in a skinny body (and my only saving grace is my major calorie-burning, labor-intensive job, plus some stress).

So, while I’m loving my bikini body this summer (thank goodness!), I know that I’m very unhealthy and I would like to change that. As you know. I’ve been trying FOREVER. I’m hoping this guide will be the change I need. I’m very low on energy (which is another thing that makes working out hard) and very high on stress so I need a huge change.

And, for those of you who told me that I should focus on ONE thing, this is my one thing. Another nice thing about stress, besides weight loss, is how it causes me to lose the ability to focus on many things at once. My brain sort of shuts down and I can’t think about much besides what’s stressing me out. So this one thing is what I will be focusing on. Thankfully, because of the guides, I will hopefully not have to think much. I will just have to DO. But doing is the hardest part.

By the way, this week, or just prior to starting this new program, I will post a current “before” picture. It will be better than my last one, and hopefully I will have more frequent updates to post! The people I see using this program have AMAZING after pictures just half way through the program. I hope to be one of them.

When your friends get boyfriends, you start making bad life choices….

Alright, everyone. Here is it. Big confession.

I blew it. I went on a date. I KNOW. But let give first give you my list of excuses. I’m lonely! My best lady friends have abandoned me for boys and let me tell you, it is way harder to find new girl friends than it is to get dates. This should be the opposite. But it’s not. Our modern world makes connecting with people of the opposite gender so easy. Maybe I’m just missing all the “find true friendship” sites…but I feel like that’s where desperate people would linger and not super awesome cool kids like myself who just happened to have lost all friends at once due to relationship status changes out of their control. Maybe some of you know of places where I can meet some cool, preferably SINGLE, ladies who are not desperate, just in need of some good old fashioned lady friends. ANYWHO, I’m getting off track. So. I went on a date. Because I miss my ladies. And this was my solution. 

And a bad solution it was. AWKWARD. I’d been chatting with this guy from Match.com for about a week, I guess. Our schedules were both a little busy so meeting up was hard. But finally we secured a night. And he asked me to a movie. I should have said no. I should have said, “Let’s do coffee instead!” or ANYTHING that would have put us face-to-face, in a well-light room so we could actually talk. Sitting next to a strange guy in a dark theater where you really shouldn’t talk is really awkward. What’s even MORE awkward is when this guy you JUST MET IN REAL LIFE LIKE THIRTY MINUTES AGO reaches out and holds your hand. I was so uncomfortable that it almost hurt. It did actually hurt. I was in awkward pain. THEN, because he obviously couldn’t tell that this was a bad move from my limp hand and rigid posture, he puts his arm around me and pulls me over. So I have to do the awkward lean (which is super uncomfortable unless the guy is like 6’6″) AND my body is STILL rigid because I’m hating every moment of this. Finally, after about two minutes, I can’t handle it. I pulled away. I leaned all the way over to the other side of my chair and just told him that I’m not really into being physical with a guy I just met. Yuck. Blech. WHY?! 

He was cute-ish and seemed pretty normal, but I just didn’t feel anything. He’s texted me a couple times since the awkward date but I quit responding. I just still feel icky from his touchy-feelings and I’m just not that into him, I think. 

So, please. Help me find some lady friends! I don’t want to go on any more awkward dates just for something to do on a week night!

I have actually decided to take a sewing machine class this summer. Broadening my skills and hobbies. I have always wanted to be able to sew quick little pieces for myself…and I decided to DO IT. Maybe I’ll meet some old ladies who will be my new friends and we can have sewing circle get-togethers on the weekends. With tea. I don’t like tea. I’ll drink a Coke. But we’ll have fun. I’ll meet some new cats. Hear stories about when they rolled bandages for the war. 

Ok, and you know what? Before one of my besties got back with an old beau, we went on a local kayaking trip with an outfitter, with a group of strangers, and that was pretty fun. I feel like I could meet some more people that way. It costs moolah, but it might be worth it. At least I’ll have some fun on the weekends, even if I don’t make friends. I will just do fun things, alone, near other people, and make scrapbooks of my adventures with strangers. It’ll all be okay….right?

This date reminded me that I don’t like going out with new guys. Having to get to know someone, which is the best part for a lot of people, is actually my least favorite part. I want to know someone already! I want us to be best friends and travel the world. 

Haha, it’s funny when one of my little mice is running in a ball and hits a wall. Oops! Did it again. Hahaha! Never gets old. (This is why I’m single.)

Redirecting My Focus and Drive

So, a few weeks ago, I was SO into work. I was making project lists and all sorts of plans because my boss had told me that I was going to be able to implement them shortly. And, as you know, that did not pan out. So after a couple weeks of being super sad and angry I finally got over it. How? By just not thinking about any of it. They want me to relieve people. So that is what I will do. No more crazy aspirations or dreams. I will just do my best the one to two days that I’m in each section, and leave it at that. 

My goal is a great workout regimen. I printed out some awesome weight lifting record sheets for me and my workout buddy so we can actually track our progress and, most importantly, freaking remember how much weight we’re using for each move!! Every time we lift, when we start a new week (and repeat the moves from last week), we can never remember how much we used the week before. Which means that we’re not necessarily improving. But no more! 

I’m also going to study our gym schedule and make a workout routine based on the classes available so that we do three cardio workouts a week and then we can throw in three days of lifting any time – since we don’t need a class to lift. 

The hardest part, ALWAYS, is diet. I’m SO lazy when it comes to making food. I think it’s because when I get off work every day, I’m dead tired. I just want to put food in my mouth as quickly as possible, shower, and pass out. Which means that I have NO energy or any care to make a great, healthy meal. I just feel like I will die NOW if I don’t get FOOD NOW. So that’s my big goal right now: change my diet for good. Forever. Become the eater I have always wanted to be. My weight wouldn’t be an issue AT ALL if I could just eat the things I should. 

I’m still distracted by work – I work multiple areas a week, which means I work with a huge variety of species, and I want to research ALL of them all the time! And that takes time and brain power. So I find myself torn between reading primate books and researching healthy and easy meals. I know it’s possible to do both. I’m just one of those people who obsesses over something and not much else can get through my brain when I’m in that mode. 

But I can do it!! I can be awesome. I can lose weight. I have already cut down on my work worries by probably 75%+. And, boy, does it feel good.

Work plans busted – new plan!

I don’t have time for a full post right now, but I just wanted to share this quickly. After a week of being upset and angry, I have finally mellowed out, which has allowed me to be level-headed enough to come up with a new plan. Instead of thinking so much about work, where I have no control, I decided to focus on something that I have almost complete control over (or at least a majority of the control): my exercise and diet plans. I started out with really good ones when I started this blog, and then got interrupted by some medical worries and a new job. So now I’m going to throw myself into that again. If I stick with it, there will be great results with a healthier body and mind. I would still like to fit into some of my clothes from last summer – even though I have been buying new clothes since literally nothing I owned before fits right now. And I would really like the majority of what goes INTO my body to be healthy and helpful – not trash. 

So, new obsession: GET FIT AND HEALTHY!

How have I already started? I have made a weight lifting record sheet for my lifting partner and myself. My mom got us hand little pronged folders to keep them in so we can make notes as we workout. My plan this weekend, if I have any time (I have a 24 hour babysitting gig starting soon), is to make a cardio AND lifting plan for at least the next month. It’ll be hard to squeeze in all the workouts I want/need because I work two jobs, but I think I can do it with the right amount of planning. Plus, if this will keep my brain healthy and preoccupied, it will be better for everyone. Plus, just changing my diet (aka not eating fast food every day) will make a HUGE impact just by itself. I think the working out will just be a bonus. (I am one of those lucky people with a fairly quick metabolism – yet I find it so hard to purposefully lose weight.)

So I’m feeling pretty positive and excited for the months to come. Now that my brain is freed up, I can focus on this new plan and make it awesome. Having my workout/accountability partner, Brooke, will make it that much better. 

Wish me luck!

Gahhhhh!

There are too many ups and downs in my life for my liking!!! JUST STOP. Stop it. No. Don’t. Don’t. No more!

Gaaahhhhh. I can’t catch a break. I’m doing something very wrong and I still can’t figure out what it is. I think it’s having feelings. And caring about things. I need to just stop caring. Then everything will be even keeled. Boom. Solutions. See what happens when you talk out your problems?

So last week I got stood up (aka he just didn’t text me even though we were supposed to hang out and I haven’t heard from him since the day before we were supposed to hang out) by a sexy male friend. (Obviously, not a friend anymore.) 

Something amazing happened at work. Then about 24 hours later that something amazing was taken away again. So I was on a super high for those 24 hours and I’ve been on a super low (angry and hating everything) since then (then being Saturday evening). I’m so upset that I bailed on going tubing on a river with a lady friend of mine. I LOVE water. I love tubing. But I want nothing to do with any of it because I’m so upset. Being stood up last week sure doesn’t help either. 

I’m definitely hitting a sad patch. Feeling like my friends are all out of reach – I have no go-to person to talk everything out to so I just text random people with random bits of my problems and never feel satisfied that someone heard me and cares. My position at work leaves me wanting more. More responsibility, more projects, more substance. I’m trying to fill the voids with everything I can think of. I missed over a week at the gym because of my second job and having my period last week. I became so inactive. All I wanted to do was rip out my uterus and eat junk food. I had no energy and no drive. Now it’s going to be hard to make myself workout because I’m so sad/mad. I wish I could just take out parts of my brain temporarily so I could get on with life. My brain gets in the way of everything. Stupid feelings. I don’t like them. 

However, today I bought THREE Jillian Michaels workout DVDs. She’s my fave celeb trainer. I also bought 10 lb. weights. And new, super light and airy athletic shorts (which can also double as shorts for work – very nice for those hot days). I bought a new, easier to use water bottle because I’ve been lacking in my water consumption. 

Ok, to occupy my brain and to try to stave off sadness galore, here are some goals for the rest of the month for me to obsess over: 

1. DRINK WATER.

2. DON’T DRINK SODA.

3. Workout 5-6 days a week.

4. Go to church on Sunday mornings.

5. Read before bed every night – no watching TV on the computer.

6. Write in a journal instead of texting my problems to people who don’t really care. 

7. Bring the fast food eating down to one day a week. Preferably one meal a week. 

8. Don’t think about work so much. Explore my neglected hobbies again (there are MANY). 

9. GET OVER IT.

“You don’t think you’re good enough…”

Oh, you guys. I am the WORST. Apparently getting a job means I now just wake up, go to work, work out (yay!), go home, shower, pass out. So, let me update you. I actually have a funny story.

Ok, so one of my new work friends met this super hottie on POF (Plenty of Fish) so, even though I GAVE UP DATING, I decided to sign up and just troll the faces. Bad move. Of course. But you already knew that. As did I. As. Did. I.

This guy, who I will call Sonny, and I started talking. He wanted a good Christian girl (which I consider myself to be – but maybe I should reevaluate that) and we had great messaging and text conversations for a few days. He kept me occupied while I dealt with the flu and missed two and a half days of work.

Toward the end of my illness, we decided to meet up. After I got off work around 11pm (my second, part-time job), I drove out to meet him. He was at a little dive bar with some friends and friends of his friends. Let’s just say that made it crazy awkward. This was our first meeting and we hardly talked at all because of the strangers sitting with us. But it wasn’t awkward in a bad way, so I figured I would give it another shot. We decided to watch a movie at his apartment the next day.

He offered to come pick me up, but he lives so far away that that would have been a ridiculous round trip. I hate to inconvenience people. So we watched “Gravity.” It was the first time for both of us. We didn’t talk much during the movie, except about the movie, because it was so intense. But we talked a bunch after. I thought the openess and flow of conversation was really good…but it turns out that everything I said just made him lose interest in me.

He suggested grabbing dinner, which again I thought was good, so we ran out to Pei Wei. (Our whole hang out was super casual. I was still semi-sick and wearing sweatpants.) On the way there, we continued talking and it became apparent that he was not into me. I said something about how I wasn’t sure why boys have never wanted to actually be my boyfriend and he said that he had some of his own reasons. He mentioned not having time and that I lived far from him. Let’s just say that my mood sank pretty fast.

We finished eating and drove back to his apartment where I promptly got my things and left.

For SOME reason, we continued texting the next few days. And of course the subject of why he wasn’t interested in me came up. He has a million reasons he’s not into me. And that sucked. A lot. But it’s totally my fault. I gave up dating for this year and I haven’t done it! I still hang on to guys I’ve gone out with in the past, hoping that maybe someday they won’t just want to kiss me but they’ll want to date me (even though they didn’t want to date me in the past….). I joined Match.com AND POF in the same WEEK! What is WRONG with me?!

Let’s just say this is a mid-year reminder of why I’m not dating. Or shouldn’t be dating. So much time and energy is lost to thinking about and worrying about boys. Such a waste of life.

Oh, so the funny story. So, while I was having dinner with Sonny, and as the evening was taking it’s sad turn, one of my friends texted me about hitting up some bars with her and her friends. So, to drown out the sound of yet another rejection, I agreed. I met them at the second and final bar for some drinks.

It was tons of fun. But there was a guy who kept lingering with us all night. When my friend would go out to smoke, he would come sit at the table. Every time. He was a former college football player for A&M or some Texas college. I don’t even remember. Huge guy. He even told us that he and his friends (though he changed his story to just his friends as he saw our negative reactions) stole a monkey years ago from the place that me and my friend now work at! That alone was enough for us to be done with him. But he kept at it all night.

The kicker was later in the evening, I was sitting at a table inside waiting for my friend because I was tired of killing my lungs (which were already having some issues due to my recent bout of the flu and the horrible pollen counts we’d been having) outside while she smoked. I was playing with my phone, not feeling outcast or anything. Just waiting. And that guy comes up. He sits down and tells me that he’s been trying to get to me all night. (Lie.) So I said something about my hot, tall, blonde friend. And he says that he thinks that I don’t think I’m as good as my friends because I have MOLES! HA! What’s even better is that I felt like I looked good that night. I’d lost a little weight from the flu, haha, and I was wearing real clothes for the first time in about three or four days.

I just let him elaborate. But what I got out of his spiel was that he thought that he could probably take me home or something because I had low self-esteem. What a pick-up line. Obviously it didn’t work even a little. I did give him my number because I’m too stupid to ever say no or to figure out a way to get out of it. Sheesh. And he texted me once that night and once the next day. So, unfortunately I positively reinforced his sad pick-up attempt. But maybe it’ll give another girl a fun story to share with her friends.